Probably i was witnessing the most tough period of my life. What to blame, whom to curse.. I had no answers. Perhaps even God had no answer for the numerous questions that were running inside my head.
I was taken to Medanta. That was the time when i realised why hospitals spell so terribly. It was as if i was caught inside a web, a web called 'Cancer'. No matter how much i tried to get out of it, i was pulled more inside it. Pulled really hard causing an unbearable pain to my organs.
It all seemed like a bad day dream many times. I was expecting it to be one, that one morning i get up with no pain, living the same old days and being the real strong not just pretending to be one.
Chemotherapies were the only solution, only hope that can bring me back to the reality, reality that i wanted to see. But it wasn't easy. Calling it 'Difficult' would be an understatement. It was painful, terribly painful.
Things that made me proud of myself were going away from me. I was no longer the reason behind Mumma's smile, i was rather responsible for her never ending tears. I was losing my hair. Every morning brought me more closer to Cancer, i looked pale. The lively Shaurya was lost somewhere in the mist of fighting with this deadly disease. Chemotherapies were followed by fatigue, pain in body and weakness that had no measures.
“Chemotherapy is going good. You will be fine soon,” said my mother, sitting next to me. I was lying on the favorite place offered to me in the hospital, my bed. Initially, it was much better than those other rooms where I was taken for tests. I liked being here. I did not want a report card of my disease. I did not care if it is going good or going bad. I just wanted to stay on my bed.
“I guess, I will miss this room.” I said the most certain words. There will be a time, when I will leave this room, alive or dead. The room was boring. Soon staying on the bed lead me to think that, what was I doing to stay alive? The answer was nothing. I wanted to do something. However, what? I wanted to multiply the time, which was coming at me to see the changes quickly. Yes, I was dying to see any change, either good or bad, but a change.
“Mom, I am sorry but I can do nothing except praying from god. I don’t even pray now, I literally beg my life from him. Whenever I went Amritsar or Vrindawan or all the holy places. I used to beg it.” I exposed my feelings to my mother.
“He will so everything alright, one day,” said my mother. I looked in her eyes. The disbelief in the imaginary facts she stated was evident.
“You know mom, I never believed in god, I always believed myself. Now, he is taking the revenge. He is trying to not only make me believe that god isn’t a myth but to also make me believe that he is the life changer.”
“He will change the cards of your life again. Don’t worry Shaurya, you are coming with us back home, soon.” My mother consoled me again. With a little wetness in her eyes, her disbelief looked foggy. No mother wants to breach her love and accept the end of her part. Her eyes closed and just a teardrop squeezed out. Only that tear was the evidence of the destruction my disease did to her. It evaporated or may be wiped away before I could actually see it, but I had already seen it.
They say son and mother share a great bond. If I knew my mother well, I know that she used to cry somewhere out in the hospital with moans. My mother wasn’t that emotionally strong that she pretended to be, in front of me. Tearless pair of eyes in front was the book of pain. She used to cry every tear available in her before entering the room that was assigned to me. She used to drain out all the pain from her eyes.
I know because I did the same. I used to cry when she wasn’t around. It was a silent deal between me and her. The deal was, we would pretend to be strong. However, we were not.
“If he had to change the cards, he would already have. Nothing is bigger than he is. Moreover, he has decided.” I cried.
"I listened to the brave stories of people that before were never told days grew darker, stories became profound as it did unfold..Something was there waiting for me to unleash..
That could give me a ray of hope,
bliss or some internal peace..
So i continued my journey to its end
to see if this eternal road did somewhere bend!"
Million reasons to Quit, Million reasons to bid Good Bye..
But one single reason to live.. One reason to stay will dominate all!!
Here I found one more Reason and the reason was 'Ayushi'
Pacific Mall witnessed the start of an another Love Story.. Or may be not?
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Written by:
Himanshu Appie Chhabra
Parul Parihar
Venu Pandey
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