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Just Saying

Just Saying

Wednesday, 24 October 2012


"Sometimes our sub-conscious mind reminds us of people we thought we have forgotten long back. "


I am in a place. It’s too dark in there. All I see is darkness. There is silence everywhere. Dark silence.
I run, I seek light. I feel suffocated. It feels as if I am asphyxiated by some lethal fumes.
I am burdened with emotions. I feel too heavy inside. It’s as if the environment around me just shows a replica of what my heart feels. Dark. Silent. Lonely.
Life is so fucking hard. I believe death would be much easier. But I am too coward to accept the latter either. The former is just a liability.
I struggle for peace. I struggle for happiness. I struggle for life.

Amidst this paranoia, I hear a loud voice. I know that voice. That’s the sweetest voice I have ever heard. It’s HER.
How come she’s here? I don’t wanna see her again. I don’t have the courage to look at her. I run. I hide. I seek shelter from an inseparable part of mine.

It doesn't help.

Nothing helps, coz everywhere I go, I hear her voice louder than before. She is approaching me. But why the hell is she here? What does she want from me now? Weren’t we done with each other the last time we talked?

Darn this life!

I run away from that place as fast as I can. I enter a room and lock it from inside. I heave a sigh of relief as I believe she can’t enter this room now. I have escaped her. The pain of not having her is much more comforting than the realization of still not getting over her. I am so used to the former. The latter is unbearable. But every time you think your life is going fine, love screws it up.

I search for a water-bottle as I scan the room. I am so thirsty.

I am stunned by what I see.  I see her.

Dressed in a white top and blue jeans, she still looked the same as before. Even better. She radiates divinity with a topping of cuteness. Her hair nicely tied and reaching her shoulders.  Same round face with two almond-shaped eyes which express and impress at the same time. Those beautiful lakes of paradise are outlined with kohl. The kohl is smudged. Yeah, she is crying.

But why is she crying? Wasn’t her life at its very best phase without me? A happy family, a loving guy, a promising career and super-awesome friends, that’s what one desires for, isn’t it?
I sweat badly. I feel guilty. No matter what happens, I just can’t see her in pain. I am flabbergasted by this sudden outburst of long buried emotions inside me.

She comes near me and wiping off her tears, speaks, “Why did you….why did you go away from me?”

I don’t have an answer. I did that for myself. Yes, I was selfish. I couldn’t see her with someone else every day.  I couldn’t be just a friend to her. You can’t befriend your life coz you know one day she has to deceive you. Life has no option.

I stay shut.

I blankly look at her. I wish I could stop her tears from falling. Those pearl-drops make her look even cuter. I wish I could hold her. I wish.

I speak in a very low voice, “Please stop crying!”

She yells back, “Why the hell do you care about it? You left me, alone. Let me cry or even die, how does it bother you? Huh? You lead your life and let me be your past.”

She starts sobbing heavily.

‘Past? Huh! You were never my past dammit. You will always be my present only because you are the only one present in the breaths I take, in my laugh, in my tears, in my smile, in my sorrow, in my…everything.’ I wish I could tell her this.

Instead, I speak, “I am sorry!”
She calms down a bit and speaks, “Sorry for loving me?”
“Sorry for leaving you.” I correct her.

She comes near me and hugs me. Hugs me tight. I am in a dilemma for a couple of seconds. My mind is in a state of shock as my heart is melting, melting by the warmth of her existence near me.  A series of memories starts playing in my mind as I hug her back. I have yearned for this hug for over a lifetime now. A river of tears flows from my eyes as I hold her tight. It’s like hugging your soul back and regaining life. I have been yearning for this moment since ages. It’s like getting drenched in water while you thought you were in a desert where water doesn’t exist. My love for her is rejuvenated. We talk in silence and hug each other tighter. That moment is divine. This pleasure is amazing. This moment should last forever.

After almost 15 minutes of being each other, she releases me, and I look at her face. I hold her close as I wipe of her tears by kissing them. Her lips curve into a smile as she feels this. That smile is her best curve.  I kiss her forehead and hug her again. If you love a girl, you hug her before you kiss her.

I release her after a couple of minutes more and we look in each other’s eyes. We both have a zillion emotions to express as tears stream down both of our faces. I slowly caress her face and feel god’s best creation yet. She shuts her eyes and falls in my arms. I hold her. She looks up to me with a spark in her eyes. It’s time for our souls to meet.  I lean forward as she holds me by my neck. Just a couple of inches away from her lips, I notice her face. She’s such an angel. Our breaths fall on each other as I notice her smile. That smile tells me, she’s mine. I lean ahead and we kiss.

I slowly kiss her lower lip and then her upper lip as we release ourselves in ecstasy. All our stored emotions are transferred through that kiss. Our tongues entwine with each other as we fight for dominance. I kiss her deep and she reciprocates by kissing me deeper. I slowly lay on the ground with her over me and we slowly end our prolonged kiss.

She grins and I am proud of myself for being the reason behind that smile.

“Promise me you’ll never leave me again?” she demands

I nod and say, “You know we are destined to be. This life is just a formality in between. But still, I assure you, this time I am here to stay.”

She smiles.

We lay in each other’s arms as she digs her face deep into my chest and I smell the odour of her body. She smells heavenly.

Couples of hours pass by as we rejoice the moments of our past. I have never felt happiness like this ever in my life. I wish life would always be like this. Me and her, her and me, us. Just us.

Suddenly she releases herself from my arms, stands up and starts walking away from me. I scream, “Where are you going?”

“I have to go Abhi…This life; these people won’t let us be together.” She speaks with a tear in her eye.

“Are you nuts? We are meant to be dammit!” I yell. I cannot lose her again.

“No Abhishek, this life is just like a test of our love on this earth. We are meant to be, my love, but not here, somewhere above.” She tries to comfort me.

I look away from her in anger. I just don’t want her to go. She looks at me with helplessness written all  over her face. She utters, “I love you Abhi…Take good care of yourself. Just for me. See you soon.”

I look at her but she vanishes. I run towards her but I can’t get to her. Darn, She’s gone.

Maybe this time, forever!

I wake up sweating heavily and with a scary expression. I look around and realize it was just a dream. Tears flow from my eyes as I realize that she is Someone too close, yet so far. Fuck the dream! 

Our real self is the accumulation of our unspoken words!

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