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Just Saying

Just Saying

Saturday, 19 January 2013

One’s happiness can’t be unhappiness of another

From the moment she left the place I was stumbled with a great confusion. She has added an extra confusion in my foggy life. But this time the impact was high. I couldn’t escape from the trip as she had got my parent’s permission already. I had not learned anything since the holiday started. All I did was stalking rika’s profile. Now, Sara diverted me from rika.
I went to sara’s house to study for the exams. At first she refused to teach me as I said I will study by myself. After a few buttery talks I convinced her. “Don’t I know about my Jay” was all she said. Even while her teaching my mind was swinging and she found that. When I said that it was because of the trip that she has decided and I asked for the reason for going. She never answered. At one point I bellowed at her to answer for what fucking we are going to Bangalore. She cried, sobbed and wept but never answered. Those tears did not please me but made me angrier. I left her house banging the door. When I fell on my bed, I recollected the memories I spent with sara. I have never got her memories so far. Every time rika was haunting me and for the first time sara. Those peppy talks, little fights, that first kiss, movie, bike ride on the rainy eve made me to calm down. Immediately I called up sara but she never attended. Due to my nonstop calls she attended but didn’t speak. I went to her house and looked for her. She was still crying. I touched her and asked sorry. No response.
“These tears are valuable for me, please save it” I said which got me a smile. She kissed, we kissed.
“Don’t say me that you kissed me to get why we are going to Bangalore.” She said which made me to feel pity. “It shows that you don’t trust me Jay”
“I came here only to apologise and I trust you, in fact love you” as I said I got a peck in my cheek.
“Sara what should I do if something which I like, takes me far from my dreams, confuse me, make me a loser even before I fight?” I asked as if I had some problem. But the intention was to get her answer in which ‘like’ represented ‘sara’ and ‘dreams’ represented ‘rika’ which I alone knew.
“I don’t understand and I don’t want to know what exactly you are talking about. All I could say is keep the thing which you like with you during your progress. It will give you happiness whenever you are exhausted.”
Our exams started the next day. She was sitting adjacent to me in the exam hall. I could see each and every part of sara, her movements and her paper too. She turned towards me and gave thumbs up which I accepted showing her all my teeth. The foggy confusion was still there, Sara or Rika? My soul tipped me off to solve the confusion before she could take me to rika, else I could be in a problem, forever.
She gave me thumbs up for every exam but on the last exam she also said ‘we are leaving tonight’ which gave me shivers on my spine and sweat on my body. I breathed hot without knowing about the future. The exams were disaster but with Sara’s help I got confidence that I would pass.
The D-day was getting close as we sat next to each other on the bus. She took the window seat. Once I got settled she gave me a kiss. I smiled. My hands were cold and I breathed very hot. I looked around, the ambience was good. An AC Volvo bus’s ambience would always be good. She sensed my jitteriness and asked if I am alright. I gave her an alright smile back.
One day the climax should come. Let that be today because I will not get such an ambience next time. The bus had its benefits. She can’t run away or I could control her, she can’t throw me out, she can’t be left alone. I finalised the I would confess now.
“Sara, I want to talk to you which are very important. Don’t interrupt me in between or forgive if I say something wrong” I said.
  “Go on” she was precise.
“When you proposed me I didn’t know that you are the one I was looking for. That’s why I said you that I am not sure about our future. Few days later I came across a beautiful girl’s profile on facebook. I liked her the moment I saw. She got into me and I was crazy about her. She became my PC and phone’s wallpaper. Every day I was stalking her profile and was chatting with her. This was the reason for my weirdness. I didn’t know that I loved her but I liked her. I don’t know much about her but she makes me to forget everything when I speak with her. The craziness took me to Bangalore and I didn’t participate in any competition, I lied to you. I wandered almost everywhere in Bangalore to find her. I sneaked into the ladies college, got caught, but fortunately, escaped. I found her in a street when I was walking. We went into the CCD and spoke for few minutes. Then we had chatted few more times. I don’t know I either love her or not. From the moment I saw her I was let into a big confusion of whom I love. I have been thinking for a long time but I never got the answer. I know your love is true and pure. I always respected your love. But none of the time I got your memories. It was on the eve before our exams I got your memories for the first time. The memories, which somersaulted my heart and gave me the answer for months long question” I paused to see her. As expected her eyes was watery. I looked into her eyes, she turned towards the window. I waited for her to turn but she was crying facing the window. I held her hand and asked her to speak to me. But she didn’t. Few minutes later she spoke, crying. 
“Jay I am happy that you said it now. You forgot me when she was around. These phrases should not be heard by a lover. You don’t understand how it hurts. It could be understood only by the person who loves. You will not understand because you didn’t love me, but cheated me. You could have said it before accepting my love, at least I would have gone out of your life earlier. How the fuck you got the heart to betray me? do I look like an idiot? Even if we marry this is something which I could never forget. No girl will like her boy to love someone or to be loved by someone else. But you have given me a pain that I should suffer for a lifelong. She paused for seconds and continued again. But you forgot two things jay. One is me and another is that your password. Damn-mad don’t you know that I knew your password? I found there is something wrong when you sat in front of the social network all the time. But I took few days to know what exactly was happening to you. Your mobile wallpaper gave me the answer. I cried every day thinking of you. Doesn’t my love satisfies you? Or is beauty is your problem? Why did you do this Jay? Am I not good to you? Was your love fake? Why did you even kiss me being in such a confusion?  Was it just for your pleasure? So you had used me Jay.  I had blindly trusted you and I showed you the purest form of love. But you misused my love and trust. You have played with my life Jay. You have been making me a fool all these days. Had not got this situation what would have you done? What would have you done if she had fallen for you? I’m sure you would have dumped me without giving a thought about my life. After all you didn’t love me. Do you know how it hurts me? You have been so self-fish. You have shattered my dreams Jay“   She cried resting her head on my shoulder.
Tears rolled down along my cheeks. It was such a pain to watch her crying from her heart. I was searching for words to speak. I know what I have done to her. I wanted her to realize that though my mind was clouded with rika all these days, my heart had always searched for sara. It’s hard to convince someone whose heart has broken into pieces. I cleared my throat to speak up.
“I can realize the harm that I have done to you. I know the pain that you are undergoing. All these days while I was stalking rika, the guilt of betraying your trust haunted me. Once I made up my mind not to think about her. But it was just her face which drove me through the wrong path. Please know that I was just attracted to her. Now I have realized that the feeling I had for rika was just a kinda lust, may be. But you have taught me what real love is. All these days you have been urging for my love but now it’s me who urges for the same. I really love you and this time I am serious about our future too. Don’t think I am saying it in pity, I swear. You made me to feel your love and I want you throughout my life. Just forgive me for the last time and you would find a new Jay sorry old Jay back. After all, One’s happiness can’t be unhappiness of another “I said but she gave a blank expression.
 I was waiting for her to speak back but she refused to utter a word. The whole journey was like hell. But I was curious and scared to know what was waiting for me in Banglore. We finally reached there around 6 a.m  but she was still calm and I was just looking at her.

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