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Friday, 15 February 2013




    "The life of the one, who’s gone, stays in the memory of the one who has stayed!"


I feel so weird as I walk through this house towards his room. For some reason I am experiencing a sudden rush of weird emotions inside me. I can't call him out as I usually did. It kills me that he wouldn't ever call me too. Grandson! His voice still echoes in my ears as I invade his room and head for his secret box. Sadly he won't stop me now, like he always did. All his life, my grandpa, never allowed anyone, be it anyone to touch his secret briefcase and I was about to invade his privacy now. I so wish he was here to stop me. I wish. But some wishes never come true.

I reach towards the cupboard and head for his briefcase. I touch it and embrace it. It's the very same case where he hid chocolates during my childhood. I remember how my vacations were spent with those chocolates and those stories he crafted out of his wonderland. How we used to play cricket and cards together and how he used to lose it intentionally just to feed me the ice-cream, the bet I won. I so remember the last moment where he handed over these keys to me. I felt so ecstatic at that moment when he handed me over his prized possession. I never knew the reason behind this gesture and I never inquired but now I know.
I open it and go through several documents, some pictures, some notes, some official papers etc. and all this makes me all the more nostalgic. As I go through, I find his 'Falsafa'. The diary where he wrote his short stories and hindi poems sometimes. It had worn away but still carried his essence and his life's experiences. As I open it and start caressing every page, I feel him close. I read that story of a farmer I have heard a million times over coz this one was his favorite and the story of a school time couple which was my favorite. As I glance through it, my eyes fall on the last piece he had written. It was dated 12th July, 2012. Two days before we got him admitted to that shitty hospital. I read through and end with sobs that never ended.

Zindagi aur Maut

Kal raat ek haseen khwab maine dekha,
Zindagi aur maut ki ajeeb rekha ko sapne mei dekha…
Zindagi ne kaha main ek haseen khwab hoon,
Maut ne kaha main ankahee kitaab hoon…
Ki jaaun kiske paas khud ko iss kashmakash mei dekha,
Zindagi aur maut ki ajeeb rekha ko sapne mei dekha…

Kya ajeeb mehfil, kya ajeeb ittefaak tha,
Iss ajeeb si pareshaani mei dil behadd khaakh tha…
Samajh na saka main kuch, na khud ko samjha paya,
Iss dil ko maine veerane ki hasrat mei khoya, phir socha kya paya…
Kal raat ek haseen khwab maine dekha,
Zindagi aur maut ki ajeeb rekha ko sapne mei dekha…

Zindagi ek ansuljhi paheli toh maut ek roothi saheli lagi,
Na suljhi wo, na maani ye, ye baatein ik paheli lagi,
Dil ek kashmakash mei tha, na sulajh rahi thi ye rekha,
Khud ko ek bhool-bhulaiyaa mei maine aaj dekha,
Kal raat ek haseen khwab maine dekha,
Zindagi aur maut ki ajeeb rekha ko sapne mei dekha…

Jab aage badha toh dhoondha Zindagi ka matlab,
Apne tajurbo ko taraasha maine, dhoondha inka matlab…
Maut hi jawaab hai iss paheli ka, yehi jaane maine,
Khud ko bhula kar ab khuda mei zinda paaya maine…
Kal raat ek haseen khwab maine dekha,
Zindagi aur maut ki ajeeb rekha ko sapne mei dekha…


14th July, 2012

It was a usual Saturday morning when I woke up that day. I got up, got ready and went straight to my office. Office was going good with good people around but still working on weekends sucked. The only good thing about saturdays is that you get to work wearing casuals. Duh!

Around 1, my phone rang and my mum was on the other side.

Me: Yeah Maa, temme?

Maa (Crying): Beta, I am leaving for Jaipur in an hour. Nanaji met with an accident and he has been rushed to the nearest hospital.

I got worried as I heard that. My grandpa was a real cool person and I was really close to him. He was always an ideal figure and the only one whom I looked upto before my Dad. He was always very cheerful and could blow your mind with his wit and humor. But since last couple of years he had mellowed down due to his neuro-problems combined with his diabetes and other old-age issues. 

Me: Maa, how did this happen? Is anything serious?

Maa: As far as I have been told he fell from the chair accidentally which hurt his head and he was immediately rushed to the hospital due to profuse bleeding. I think it's serious or they wouldn't have called me.

Me: Oh, okay! Chalo you leave Maa. Do call me once you leave. I hope all gets fine.

Maa: Yeah son, do pray.

She needn't say that. I started praying the moment she told me about it. With all optimism, I got back to work.

Later that evening when I had a word with her, she told me that Nanu is really serious. His bleeding has developed clots inside in his brain and the doctors are conducting various tests on him. He is presently on ventilator and the next 24 hours are quite crucial. Moreover, she also told me how he was rushed to the best hospital of Jaipur at first (Sawai Mansingh Hospital) where he was made to wait on the floor for an hour and half when he was bleeding and experiencing extreme pain as my Maternal Uncles pleaded the best doctor around to have a look at him. When they didn’t succeed they rushed him to the next hospital nearby where he was taken care of.

I was infuriated at those hospital authorities and a sadness dawned over me to imagine my grandpa in that situation. I just told her to take care and bid her bye. 
With hope in my heart, prayers on my lips, memories in my heart and sleep long lost, I gazed through all  the pictures of him I had with me. He'll be fine, I knew.


I was infuriated at those hospital authorities and sadness dawned over me to imagine my grandpa in that situation. I just told her to take care and bid her bye. 
With hope in my heart, prayers on my lips, memories in my heart and sleep long lost, I gazed through all the pictures of him I had with me. He'll be fine, I knew.


19th July, 2012

His condition had deteriorated since that day. He was in ICU and alive only with the help of that ventilator. I wondered how a machine could be the only responsible thing for someone being alive. Man made machines and not the other way round.

My mother had not allowed me to miss my office and reach there because she believed that I would be of no help even if I had been there. Moreover, my brother's school was also to be assisted and someone had to stay with him. 

I was in no mood to work today. It was a bad bad day at office as I had zero concentration and I was constantly sweating with the nervousness. My grandpa was to be operated today. All the tests were done and there was only 1% chance of him surviving that too if this operation went successful or else, he'd have to go.

My Maternal Uncles and my Mom decided to go ahead with the operation. They had no other option either. They wanted their Dad even more badly than I wanted my Grandpa.

The operation started at 2 in the noon and I was constantly thinking about his well-being. I was calling my dad every fifteen minutes to get some info and to hear that he is alright. After about 7 calls, my dad told me to calm down and relax. He told me he'd call me as soon as the operation gets over. Also, a crowd of 70 odd people had gathered in the hospital area and all of them were praying for Nanu's good health. Grandpa always had a huge social circle and his friends and family loved him way too much. He was a helpful and kind person who had a special ability to win hearts pretty easily. 
I calmed down a bit when I heard about all those people. I was convinced that God couldn't deny these many prayers. But never did I knew that him granting our wishes was a curse on us and my Grandpa.

It was 5:15 p.m. when my phone rang. I was too scared to pick this call. After 4-5 rings I picked up with all good hope in my heart.

Me: Yeah Dad, what is it?

Dad: Hello? There?

Me: Hello! Yeah Dad, temme?

Dad: Hello? Hello! Helllloooo..

and the line went off. Fuck the darn network.

I called him back. My hands were trembling a bit and I was realllyyy scared.

Me: Yeah Da..Dad, what happened?

Dad: Don't worry Son! The operation was successful.

I was overjoyed. I thought we had won the battle. My Grandpa would survive and the card games, those stories would never end.

Dad continued: 80% of those clots have been removed and the doctors are hopeful of a recovery soon. 

Me: That's great Dad! Do take care there. Bye!

And with that joy I went back to work smiling over what he always used to crib about, "Are you working as Machinery in your firm. Don't they follow any work culture or something?"

27th July, 2012

I was in the Apex hospital's ICU waiting room with my Mom and my Grandma. Grandpa's condition hadn't improved since his operation and the doctors were clueless about the same. Even after several other tests and discussions with other doctors, the doctors couldn't identify a reason for the non-improvement in his health. The drugs, after the initial promise had stopped showing combative properties against his illness. Even some of the best doctors of the city were consulted with his reports but nothing fruitful could be yielded. Seeing this condition, Mom feared the worst and called me and my brother to meet my grandpa once. The bus ride to Jaipur was never this sad and long as this time. 

I was waiting in the waiting room of the hospital the next day. I felt scared. Moreover, I felt suffocated. I never expected I'd see my grandpa in this situation. Also, like others, I hated the stale, formaldehyde smell that hung around in the hospital. Everyone was praying for their loved ones. Hosseini rightly said, “Real prayers are only seen in the corridors of a hospital not in the white masjid with its bright diamond lights and towering minarets!"

"Bed No. 2" called out the compounder there. Yeah, that was Nanu's bed. Mom told me to go. I wanted her to come with me as it was difficult for me to handle this alone but only one person was allowed at a time. I opened my shoes, rubbed the sanitizer onto my hands, and wore a surgical cap, a mouth protector and a surgical apron before they let me in. I entered. I was very scared and was very weak in my knees. My feet failed to move initially but I moved. Maybe this was the last time, I was seeing him, Alive, or rather breathing.

As I entered, I searched for bed no. 2 around. I saw and headed towards and I was shocked by what I saw. I failed to recognize him at first but gradually a closer look towards his face made me realize, he is my grandpa.

I was stunned and astounded. His hands and legs were swollen. He was draped in a blue hospital robe. His body had grown pale. Yellow. His face looked very dull. I dropped a tear as I saw this. I wish he never went through all this. God! He had tubes attached to needles, which dipped into his veins and arteries, and pumped liquids from transparent pouches hanging from the stand on his right side. A pipe which was connected to the ventilator went into his mouth which kept him breathing.

The doctors told me to talk to him and try calling him. I tried calling out to him. Maybe he hears and responds.
"Naannuuu" I called out. "Listen Nanu, I am all the way here leaving that idiotic organization just to play a game of cards with you. Wanna bet again?" I tried my best. I came up with several other memories and blurted out whatever came to my mind.
After a 5-7 minutes struggle, he opened his eyes. His eyes were bloodshot red and he tried to speak then, as if he was trying to tell me something. Something he wanted to say. He tried but the voice did not come out of his mouth because of that fuckin pipe. I tried hard to calm him down but he wanted to utter something badly. When I asked about the same to the doctor in-charge there, he replied, "The patient is not in a condition to be taken off the ventilator sir. I am sorry." I agreed to him and got back to my grandpa. I felt so helpless at that point of time which is inexplicable.

After struggling with intermittent pain and lack of sensation for about 5 minutes, he collapsed like a corpse. A breathing corpse.

The doctor hinted me to go away and I went. I could not stand there anymore as well.

I was in a state of shock as I headed towards the waiting room back. The image of my Grandpa, my Nanu lying there in this condition had shaken me to the core. Although I had imagined Nanu’s condition to be bad but this bad was nowhere in my imagination.

The other two days went by in meeting him a couple of times more and several other discussions with various doctors but not much could be extracted out of this situation.
I visited various priests and tried helping my maternal uncles in some of the good deeds they advised for the betterment of Nanu’s health like feeding the poor, serving the fishes, the eagles and what not.
I also tried comforting my mother and my Grandma and tried providing them strength as these two ladies were the two closest people to my Grandpa.

With all my emotions, flushed in my heart, I headed back to Delhi.


5th August, 2012

It had almost been a week since I last met my grandpa. His condition was much more stable now but not any better. I hadn’t slept well since then. The images of seeing him in that state had haunted me since then. No matter how hard I tried, I always failed to imagine the amount of pain he was bearing.

I was losing interest in almost everything now. I didn’t like talking much to anyone. I tried meeting a couple of friends but it didn’t help. I was so lost even when I met them that they were wondering what had happened to me. I couldn’t even share whatever was going inside as I felt there was too much to express and the words would fall short. Although a couple of them knew about my grandpa’s condition but that’s the only thing they knew. My feelings, my emotions, I kept to myself. Maybe because I had no one around me who’d understand what I was feeling or going through without expressing it through words.

To overcome the above plethora of emotions, I started indulging myself hugely into my internship and kept myself busy all through the day. I woke up, went to the office, came back, inquired about grandpa’s condition and then slept as I was too tired.
Being busy proved to be a real good way to be away from my real self.

Several times, I went for long walks and stared through things for hours. I never knew the reason behind but I could see things falling apart and everything going out of hand, pretty much like the sand oozes out of our hand the more you try to hold it.


25th August, 2012

My birthday since 4-5 years hadn’t come good. One thing or the other had spoilt my birthday. Once, I fought with my best friend around my birthday and since then every year, something or the other happened and we never celebrated my birthday together. This year also, she wasn’t present when I needed her the most. Another year, my result screwed it up. Then sometimes, I was lying on my bed being operated and etc. etc. I had kinda lost all the excitement people of my age had in birthdays.

I followed a usual routine of not picking any calls at the midnight although I badly wanted to pick my grandpa’s call that night. Sadly, he never called and the whole day went like a normal one and I realized something I never had.

The normal life we lead is a gift in disguise. When you lay all day around your mom making heart-to-heart conversations, that’s a gift. When you have your whole family sitting together for dinner with some usual chit-chat, that’s a gift. Spending time forgetting all your worries is a beautiful gift. I was satisfied all throughout the day as I got what I wanted, some peace of mind and obviously my mother returned for a week just to meet me and refresh herself.

The only regret I had on this birthday was that he did not wish me but somehow I knew that he blessed me with all his heart.


29th November, 2012

You know why people change? They change when they realize that their present self is neither working out with their screwed up life nor with the people they thought were theirs. Maybe this change which makes you think before doing anything, which makes you cold towards issues you'd have thought about previously and makes you look at things which you’d have ignored before is called growing up. Sigh!

I was experiencing a change in myself during these days. I had stopped talking to anyone. As if I had any to talk my heart toI had stopped going out with anyone apart from some official programs and an old friend sometimes. I had indulged myself so much in work that I had no time left for anything else. Even other complaints or any issues of my friends felt like a complete waste of time. I was cold towards everything else.
I used to spend time with my Mom whenever she used to come to Delhi to be with us and when she was away I felt like a loner. I felt pretty much like my Grandpa. Fighting with myself, fighting with the world.

5 months had passed since he was lying on that bed. He was shifted to his place around Diwali as the doctors said that he could survive on oxygen cylinders and there was no better care in the hospital than in his home. My maternal uncle and a compounder gave him a sponge-bath every morning and then some liquids during the day and he would just lie there breathing but since last month or so his bed-sores had gone from bad to worse and as per my uncle told his body was being eaten up by the bacteria and there was no remedy for this. 

2nd December, 2012

"I think he should go now. We have tried everything from priests to doctors to astrologers to god but nothing has been achieved. He is bearing too much pain Abhi since the last 6 months and I can't see him this way. I just hope he speaks once before he goes as we all know he has something in his heart." My Mom cried when she said those words to me and I consoled her. I know how strong she'd been all throughout this. Her heart was reflected in those tears and her mind in those words. I can't even express how much the situation has worsen when a daughter wishes her dad to go. 

The very next morning we got a call from my Uncle that Nanu's pulse has dropped drastically and he might be gone any moment. We rushed to Jaipur and till the time we reached all was well. All through the journey we were worried and silent but after reaching there we heaved a sigh of relief. The doctor told us he had recovered again and is doing fine now. We all met him and smiled.

The next day was my brother's birthday and my grandma made some delicious food to treat him right. We had some chit-chat and played some cards with the whole family before leaving for Delhi around 5 in the evening.

I bade a goodbye to Grandpa again and left. I never knew he was bidding his final goodbye. Just before I left his room I saw his finger flicker a bit. I ignored it then but now I feel that it might be an indication to stop me.


The Final Phone Call:

Around 11:30 in the night, I was taking a turn into my lane when my Dad's phone rang. I thought Mom must have called to inquire about us reaching safely but she had some other news to give us.

Dad picked up the phone and instantly I could hear my mom's cries from the other end. I got dead scared. The only words she uttered were "Bauji nahi rahe..." and my dad could just tell her to stay strong.

I turned the car right away and we travelled back. We all cried a bit and talked about how a great life ended. He was a legend to me. I realized how much he meant to me. I pictured all our memories as I drove. Our biggest problem is that we don't express our feelings to our loved one's when they are with us and deeply regret the same when they are gone. I know he understood but I always wanted to tell him how much he had always meant to me.

We reached there the next morning and I held my mother and grandma and hugged them tight. Everyone was crying and I felt very disturbed and saddened.


A few hours later...

His body was brought out of the room where he breathed his last after cleansing his body with the holy water of the Ganges and was straight away laid into the wooden carrier.

No matter how rich or poor you are, you'll travel in this wooden cart only which explains the words - WE COME ALONE. WE GO ALONE!

Meanwhile, my maternal uncles had to shave off their hair and become bald.

When they laid him there and everyone was allowed to see him, I went near and slowly caressed his face. He looked as if he'd just wake up and ask for a game of cards. A tear dropped and then two and then my lava of emotions erupted through my tears. I held him for the last time and cried for eternity. 

On the other side my mom and my uncles and my massi cried. The house that always had sounds of laughter were enveloped in the shadows of cries and pain.

Moreover, my grandma was brought there and as she cried, her bangles were broken on Nanu’s corpse. One ritual I completely hated. 

After a while we left for the cremation grounds with me holding one of the four ends.

The Last Journey...

I held one of the ends as we headed towards the cremation ground. While I walked holding him, I felt it similar to the day he must've held me when I was born. I felt numb to all the traffic, the people who were around me. I remembered when I held his hand and started to walk...When he became the horse for me...When we played cricket together...When we shared our stories...When we discussed our girlfriends...When we played cards...When he fell ill...When he went to the hospital...When he laid still...When he died... And when he made me learn lessons for life and the most important he made me learn while he went to god's own land.


The soul lives on, the body dies...

We laid him on one of those areas in the cremation ground. A couple of helpers there started setting the fire-bed with those wooden logs as the priest began his rites. 

All through this while I caressed his face. Calm. Composed. It had been a while I had seen him this way. Looking at him, the heart cried. The mind consoled. The mind consoled. The heart cried. 

After a while, we lifted him and laid him on the bed of fire. Ghee was rubbed all over his body and finally he was set to fire.

I stood there and cried in silence and slowly his body turned to ashes. Amidst that fire, I saw a life living, a body dying. A man living, his breath dying. The love living, the relationship dying. The lessons living, the talks dying. A part of him living, a part of me dying. The memories living, living forever..... 


He went away and I know he went for the good. He finally was relieved of all the pain and he rested in peace. But while all this happened, I learnt a lot of things. Probably, Death can teach you much more than life ever can. I learnt that this life is a lie whereas death is the ultimate truth. These cars, this money, these chicks, those flicks, this whole world is just an illusion. In the end, you'll leave all this and go. All you're gonna leave behind is some emotions, some memories and most importantly a part of you in your loved ones. So, we need to make the most of it. Life is too short to regret. We need to apologize if we feel we are wrong. We need to make up to people we feel we love and need. We need to make our loved ones feel loved and cared for. We need to smile, laugh, cry, learn, yearn, party, be happy, make others happy, love, be loved, care and do all those things we always want to. We need to drop down the false walls of ego, jealousy, hatred, etc. coz these things are not gonna stay. We need to let all this go. And all this is just because when we lie on that bed of fire, we shouldn't have some unspoken words beneath us which hurt more than our words ever could. When we leave, we leave with a feeling of living a good life. A Goodlife!


While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die. 
-Leonardo da Vinci


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