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Tuesday, 2 April 2013

Be Alone But Not Lonely




Let us accept the fact that each one of us has ‘n’ number of mood swings and actually that swings to and fro with highest Amplitude and Frequency.  And we all have a phase where we love to detach ourselves from the entire social circle. Just be with ourselves. It may be coz we are hurt or it may be when we need eternal peace. When we wanna find Peace within ourselves.  Or may be Wanna Heal. Coz Life Neva Promised to be Pleasant all the time. This blog is about how Sometimes unwantedly  the Clouds of  Loneliness Creep in and Sting bitterly. But never to forget that its Darkest right before the Dawn and then the Rays of Sun Stream in With Pleasures. But its u who has to find that ray of hope. I too went through this phase.

There was a time when loneliness crept in my life too. Don’t know whether it was willingly or unwillingly. We all have different ways of handling it. But being alone can be a bliss but being lonely is never.

The only Sounds in the house I could hear were the little one’s, the simmer of coffee on a gas, clanking of cups, the bite of knife wedging the vegetables on the chopping board. And I would get lost at times getting my skin peeled out by knife. At times, I felt like starting the mixture though there was nothing inside it just to fill the nook with some sound. Or would cook with loud volume music and headphones on.

When I would step out of the kitchen and onto the hallway, my bare feet even wouldn’t make sound against mirror-finished grey kota stone flooring. In late afternoon, I would look over my bedroom where the pale light from dipping sun streamed in through windows. I would listen music at high volumes on my i-pod or laptop because I loved producing sound from what I imagined to be an empty expanse.

At times I would enter my own room like an intruder. And funnily, scarcely a few hints indicated that I lived there, like my  clothes in my wardrobe, and my books on my shelves, and my pictures on my room walls.  At times after late night slumber, I felt like this, I would pull the sheets of comforter over my face and search something inside me that would compel me to rise and go back to living. And at times would stare at the vacant pillow besides me. 




Days after days wrapped up itself in a shell of emptiness and nights arrived with a new set of promises and resolutions that got broken once mornings set in. I craved for something: Might be harmony, Might be understanding, Might be peace, Might be Happiness, Might be Someone to shake me off from my Loneliness, Someone to just hug me…!! At times I would wake up to squeals and laughter of the T.V. shows that had remained on while I went to sleep watching it. Happiness had become jarring.  From the moment I woke up till I fell into fitful sleep, and sometimes in my dreams too, my mind was logged with Questions – What am I doing to myself? Why am I punishing myself ? Is it nice being lonely or Is it nice being Alone? Is it nice getting detached  or its that m scared of attachments or commitments now???




At times the nerves in my body beat up hard against my skin. It was as if my body had turned inside out, leaving me hollowed me out. There was a kind of rage, don’t know about what and against whom, inside me that I wanted to let out. I wondered what could I do to make my burning thoughts and boiling blood turn into simmer. I would fall down against bed on the floor, cry till I could no more and get up to beat the patches made by my tears.  I would neva look into the mirror and even if I would, I would with criticizing look.

I had always chosen my dreams and ambitions as per my will, coz I neva wanted to blame anyone else for my choices or my life. So now finding myself  in unchartered territory, I didn’t know what my next Milestone would be. For me, neither the neglect, nor the joys made the difference. Having seen loss and failure, I lived in perpetual fear of disaster. There was no definition of my days. I would wake up whenever sunlight streamed in through my bedroom windows, at times may be at afternoon. I knew it was nightfall when the dusk stole light from the novels that I was reading. I never remembered what I cooked or ate although I ate 3 meals a day. After the music and novels, I would clock the passage of time by looking at the traffic sitting on my favourite swing. Days continued clocking in and out, blending into each other.

Then one day, as per mom’s wish I stepped outta the house, going to a Mall for shopping. Everywhere there were people, shops and cars. No one strolled non-chalantly, stopping to catch up with friends; infact people were rushing past each other with their ears pressed in their mobiles. The singular factor defining the mall was its sound that rushed towards me like an enemy I could not fight. Having looked at so much of crowd after weeks, I could feel the life throbbing back into my veins. Somehow I gradually started loving it all over again. The fresh air streaming in from car windows blew my awkwardness away....!! 

Coming back, I directly headed to my room for a long hot shower. I came out an hour later. I guess all I wanted at that time was a long cry in the shower so that I could release the pain that had built up inside me so far..  I almost started sobbing till my breathe got suffocated. Felt at peace. I felt as if my old self had been stripped away and I slipped into a new skin, just like a tree that would shed its dried leaves and welcome the new fresh leaves.  Happiness started inching towards me like a wave, and knowing how fickle it was, I dint wanna scare it away with sudden bouts of despair.

I came back to my routine life. Getting up early, going to gym for 2 hrs, cook, eat, educate the servant class in late afternoon which gives me contentment and evenings sitting on the swing with my music. Night with novels.  I still m alone but not Lonely….!! I enjoy every bit of this life... Living it to the Fullest...!! 

So please Learn to Be Alone without Being Lonely.  And if u at all feel lonely, just go out, take a deep breathe.. Let the fresh air caress u.  And when u urself cant understand whats going on, trust the instincts and decisions of ur loved ones. Coz u might not see in your darkness what they can see since they are at dawn…!!

Standing Alone Just means U r Strong Enough To Handle things By Urself..!!

Being Alone is Not Bad… But Being Lonely Is… Be Alone But Not Lonely… Enjoy Being Alone..!!! May it just be a cuppa coffee... Enjoy Every sip of it Alone...And shake off Ur loneliness.. Life is Beautiful.. Notice it.. Fight for Ur Dreams...!! 


4 comments:

  1. Nice blog. Be alone but not lonely....:)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you sooo much dear..!! :)

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  2. Amazing !!!
    Its Really .... A teachin to liv da lyf to its fullzt !!!!!!:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank u soo much.. Hope u live ur life to the Fullest...!! Enjoy life.. And more importantly, Lead ur Life...

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